My realization that I'm addicted to companionship, both platonic and romantic, has been an enlightening and somewhat unsettling experience. It's a feeling that's lingered in the background, this constant need to stay connected with friends, family, anyone really, just so I feel seen and appreciated. I've found myself asking some variation of, "What's up? What are you doing?" to my connections, not because I'm deeply interested, but because deep down I'm afraid.
I've discovered that this fear is rooted in intergenerational abandonment issues. My father didn't see his own father for six years as a child. Perhaps this has instilled in me a subconscious fear that if I'm not always reaching out, the people who matter to me might disappear.
The notion that I need this constant relational stimulation to feel relevant or to prevent my sense of self from evaporating is an insecurity I am earnestly trying to overcome. It's a false belief, but one I've conditioned myself to accept. I've somehow convinced myself that if I'm left alone, everything will fall apart. But why? The logic is flawed. It's two misguided thoughts: one, that everyone in my life will abandon me, and two, that when they do, I'll be left with nothing because, in some twisted way, I've equated my worth to their presence.
Ironically, this unhealthy need for regular communication isn't superficially that bad. I'm not completely out of control, but it's something I'm earnestly grappling with. The idea of not talking to anyone for a day or two feels like a monumental task, almost unfathomable. However, it's a step I know I must take to grow.
I'm learning that being comfortable with solitude is vital. Can I go days, even weeks, without talking to anyone? It sounds so far-fetched, but it may be my next step. I know that when I'm more comfortable and stable within myself, I will be a better support system for others. By shedding these unhealthy co-dependent dynamics, I can be a better friend, partner, and human being.
This journey towards self-reliance and personal growth is a difficult but necessary one. It will take time to unlearn the habits of a lifetime, but I'm committed to doing so. Breaking free from this addiction to relational stimulation is not just about self-preservation; it's about being more present and authentic in all my relationships.
I know that I am enough, and I'm learning to believe it.